altruism
I feel bad. A friend of a friend of a friend is doing this experimental math science homeless hobo tour, which basically involves bumming around the country, crashing programming language theory seminars, and couch surfing. This essentially entails living outside the system, while relying on the kindness of strangers for subsistence and shelter. I guess this is a very old-school Buddhist way of life. And by old-school Buddhist, I'm talking about Mr. Gautama Buddha himself. And a bit cyberpunk, at the same time. Old School Cyber Buddhism?
Anyway, I was confronted with a situation where I became the aforementioned stranger whose kindness was sought. Which I would, in all honesty, have given out freely, had it not been for the fact that we are dealing with some incredibly hard times with respect to the pregnancy. I am thus unable to offer my couch to the experimental hobo programmer, out of respect and consideration for my partner. Which all seems very reasonable, since e.h.p. has obviously dealt with this type of situation numerous times, and has probably expected to deal with this "no available couch" scenario in his life as a vagabond. But I still feel bad!
I suppose feeling bad is a sign that I haven't completely lost my soul. I would still love to support his choice to create, what amounts to, a zero-footprint lifestyle. But I can't - not right now. Too much else to deal with. Sorry man - I hope you understand.
There is one interesting sociological phenomenon that I noticed though. I really do like the idea of building relationships and creating communities where people support each other. But for me, the relationship building part generally has to happen first. I don't feel very comfortable asking for support until I have established some kind of personal connection. Maybe this is just a function of my introversion, or worse, priviledge. In, any case, there is an interesting paradigm reversal in his approach where he appears to seek the support first, and then hopes to use it as a starting point to build the relationship.
inverse strength
We've been dealing with a lot lately, and there has been this lingering, lurking fear in the background. But I have discovered an unexpected source of strength in this process - let's call it strength in the other. When I am confronted with a difficult situation as an individual, my typical reaction is to freak out, and possibly shut down. The level of anxiety bears an exponential relationship to the severity of the issue at hand. However, when faced with such an issue as a relationship-unit, we see an interesting phenomenon. While one partner exhibits the standard freakout-anxiety symptoms, the other partner essentially assumes the opposite role, and displays signs of calm and resilience, in order to be strong and supportive for the freaking-out partner. Which ultimately reduces the total anxiety load of the partner-unit.
I guess we've been dealing with a lot of fear in this way. The act of putting things into perspective, and seeing what my partner has had to go through, has forced me to be strong for her, which, in turn, has helped me confront my own fear. This property also appears to be symmetric, so that my freakouts induce the equivalent sense of strength in her. Good stuff to keep in mind when trying to practically evaluate the benefits of partnership and support.
words, feelings and particle physics
i'll try to post here every once in a while, when attempting to address the rather complicated ambiguities that surround the socio-cultural implications of my own peculiar shade of pigmentation vis a vis the standard modern-progressive idiom of western social democracy.
these pages will be free of irony (though i'll make the occasional exception for cheeky), as i try instead, to address the burning questions in my head, while simultaneously attempting to develop my paltry writing abilities. so forgive the overwrought prose, at least for the time being, and perhaps this exercise will lead us somewhere vaguely interesting.
i am a 29 year old (at the time of writing) person of indian (as in india) origin, with an XY chromosome pair, living in the greater san francisco bay area (oakland to be precise) with my lovely partner elizabeth. we are about seven weeks away from producing offspring - progeny that will ultimately have to deal with the many issues that are associated with terms like "mixed" and "hapa" and "hybrid".
for most of my life i have mostly denied and defied classification. my ambiguously olive skin tone, coupled with my ambiguously defined notions of sexuality make it easy for me to exist outside the boundaries of stereotyping and boxing. i have a visceral distaste for the term "nationality" - an outmoded construct that makes little sense, if you begin with the fundamental assumption that all humans are created equal. culture is different though - and it is this difference that i attempt to grapple with in this forum.
ok - that was quite a bit. i'll leave you with this page on
particle physics. this has nothing to do with anything else, but i think it is neat anyway. no irony here - just earnest, sincere neatness!
